I’m well-known for having the work ethic of a stoned housecat, and many of my professors are disappointed that I’m not putting in enough work to achieve my “full potential.” Maybe I don’t have concrete goals for the future. Maybe I find myself drifting from month to month with no real purpose. Maybe I have ADD. Maybe I’m the only thing that stands between the world and the madness that is me.

For some people, “letting the intrusive thoughts win” means getting a burger from Fran’s at 12:30 AM. If I let my intrusive thoughts win, I’d start using Build-a-Bears to smuggle thousands of tons worth of invasive plant seeds into the country and threaten to unleash the second wave of honeysuckle hell, spelling certain extinction for hundreds of cherished ephemeral flower species.

I don’t study enough history for Quizbowl. My geopolitical theories revolve around my belief that world leaders should be solely judged based on the fatness of their asses. I would be obligated to serve Kim Jong-Un. Studying current events will only allow me to better plan the demise of the enemies of the glorious DPRK and its tantalizingly curvaceous Supreme Leader.

I don’t bother to memorize math formulas or C++ and JavaScript syntax because if I did, I would replace the entirety of the internet with pure, unadulterated cringe. This propaganda would coerce everyone to achieve a great anarcho-primitivist utopia. If I knew how to do mathematical modeling and CAD, I’d build a giant tree-bot to serve as a reverse Paul Bunyon and get revenge on humanity.

Yes, I’m a lazy bastard who isn’t achieving his full potential, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. For the sake of those around me, I’ll continue to drift through life putting in the minimum effort possible. At last, there’s moral justification for being a slacker.