In the past week, I have discovered that though I may be from New York, I cannot handle the cold. I was born to live in a warm bowl of matzo ball soup and not in the Midwest. While the snow, accelerated by the wind, stabbed me over and over again in the eyes this week, I realized one thing: Northwestern needs a tunnel. So here is a list of things that I would do to get a tunnel under this godforsaken, cold Midwestern school:

1. Make a David-style sculpture of Northwestern president, Michael Schill

I may not be an artist, but, for a wee bit of bodily warmth, I will become Michelangelo. Michael Schill wants to be venerated—he is the president of a school with many consistently bad sports teams and thus has no bragging rights. But if he had a sculpture of himself, he would have something to cling to outside of academics (which no one cares about). And I’m sure, swayed by the beauty of my clay, he could be bribed to build a little tunnel under this school. I would pitch the tunnel as an underground art gallery for the Michael Schill sculpture, artworks, and shrines dedicated to him. It would really only be for my warmth.

2. Donate a kidney to the Garrett mummy

You know why the mummy in Garrett is really dead? Not because it is thousands of years old, but because it’s missing my deluxe kidney. I have a prime kidney. If my kidney were a house, it would be a beachfront mansion with a movie theater inside. Why? Because I eat so many kidney beans, and these beans, according to every doctor I’ve ever talked to (including but not limited to the future possible Head of Medicare and Medicaid, Dr. Oz) make my kidney epic. And the Garrett mummy and I are a medical match—we both are teen girls and write in hieroglyphics with our type A (for alpha, obviously) blood. I already have two kidneys, so I could easily drop one for a queen in need, provided a tunnel is built. And if that’s not enough, I’ll give my teeth too, so they at least won’t chatter anymore.

3. Get the construction completed through reality TV

I could get the construction that plagues this campus done. How? Nominate it to be on an episode of “Queer Eye.” Obviously, the construction on this campus is going through a rough patch in its life (recent high school reunion where it found out its enemy was doing better than it and whatnot) and needs a little confidence booster that can only be provided by five gay guys with a big budget. After the construction goes on “Queer Eye,” it won’t just be done, it will be fabulous. The windows will have extensions as blinds, the updated Deering Library will house gourmet ratatouille cooking classes, and the new football stadium will finally get over its mommy issues. And Northwestern won’t have to pay, except for one small cost: the tunnel.

In short, I need a tunnel. And I’ll do many things for it because I want to be warm. And if I don’t get this tunnel, I am left with no other option than to set this campus on fire. Be warmed and warned.