In reaction to the 2024 election results, College Board® has released its new Advanced Placement courses for the 2025-2026 school year. It’s hard to believe it can get worse than AP African American Studies, but alas, it does. Ron DeSantis plans to order the Florida National Guard to send everyone who receives a 5 to his personal gulag. Maybe if teachers had guns, they could shoot down this snowflake, commie, blue-haired feminist agenda. In reaction, parents around the country are pulling children out of public schools and sticking them in pits of mud. Here’s the course content for the 5 new AP classes that your high school English teacher (who got pregnant every other year) likely petitioned to institute. Everyone loves a good syllabus!

1. AP Lesbian Sex

Unit 1: Praying in the Chappel

Unit 2: Strapping In

Unit 3: Fucking in Flannel

Unit 4: One boob, two boob, red boob, blue boob

Unit 5: Rock, paper, scissoring!

2. AP Climate Change

Unit 1: Is Real

Unit 2: Cows Fart

Unit 3: Winter Tan

Unit 4: How to Fake a Hurricane

Unit 5: Government-Issued Paper Straws

3. AP Border Migration

Unit 1: Sinaloa Cartel

Unit 2: Can I get my Visa?

Unit 3: Seducing ICE

Unit 4: Ladders

Unit 5: Stealing Black Jobs

4. AP Astrology

Unit 1: Finding Orion’s Belt

Unit 2: Tarot Reading

Unit 3: Navigating Scorpio Szn

Unit 4: Killing Jesus

Unit 5: Eating Babies

5. AP Healthcare

Unit 1: Price Gouging

Unit 2: Faking Mental Illnesses

Unit 3: Prescribing SSRIs

Unit 4: Castration

Unit 5: Euthanasia