Hear me out. Just the other night, I was at Fran’s, hoping that a cold milkshake and the serenade of a show-off Bienen student on piano would make a good studying environment. Boy was I wrong. The line was eternal, and this guy in front of me (who I think I’ve seen in Bobb) took absolutely forever. Kinda got me thinking: “What if he just wasn’t alive anymore?” Thus, we arrive at my point: I should be allowed to kill people.

I want to make something very clear: I am a good person. I am NOT a psychopath. I don’t enjoy the thought of murder. Actually, I’m kind of an empath. I feel the pain of people like me. I advocate for those who just want to order their Fran’s in peace. I speak for the kids that want to eat lunch at 12 without the WHOLE OF SOUTH CAMPUS crowding in Allison. I understand the agony of North Campus residents who have to live within a stone’s throw of the frats. And think of the campus staff, who have to deal with all these things! Really, it would just be so much easier if certain people weren’t here. Has anyone noticed that for a T6 University, there are too many bodies? It’s like living on a Japanese passenger train. I can fix this overcrowding without introducing a new plague.

If it helps, you can think of me like Robin Hood, except instead of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor I’m just straight up killing people. No actually, think of me like Light Yagami. I think I’d make a good Light Yagami. I’m totally a good person, guys, I swear.

Oh, and yes, I live in Schapiro–how could you tell?