Dear Flippy,

My name is Pierce D. Cox, and this is my first year not only in college, but away from home, too! I was so excited to finally experience the Christmas spirit with others here in Chicagoland, but now that it’s starting to get closer, I’m a little concerned – how does Santa Claus get into the dorms if they don’t have chimneys?

Back home, Santa used to stumble out of my mommy and daddy’s room and fall asleep on the living room floor. They had a fireplace in their room. One Christmas morning, I even saw Santa drooling all over the tree! Come to think of it, I don’t think that was Christmas, but he sure must have been tired after all that yelling I heard. One of the reindeers must’ve been acting up.

So basically, I just want to make sure that good ol’ Saint Nick can get into my dorm, not just for me, but also to show my roommate Mohammad the Christmas spirit!

Sincerely,

Pierce D. Cox

P.S.

Should I just leave the window open?

Dear Pierce D. Cox,

Are you fucking serious?

Let’s start off with this “Santa” guy you’ve been seeing. I can’t be sure that you aren’t seeing a magical old man with a radioactive reindeer given that I’m an anthropomorphic bear, but I’m pretty sure that’s just your dad. That leads me to my second point.

Do mommy and daddy fight sometimes? Does the man sleeping in the living room smell funny? Or does he seem sick? In the bear community, this is what we call one claw-full of honey too much. In the human world, your daddy is something called an alcoholic (and yes, it is because of you).

As to your particular question, don’t worry about Santa. Just crack open your window a little bit; otherwise, “good ol’ Saint Nick” is going to have to blast down your door with C4 explosives.

With longing for the bear I was before I read this,

Flippy

P.S. Santa isn’t real.