Following the ruling that frozen embryos are legally considered children, the Alabama Supreme Court has taken the natural next step of outlawing waking up from a pregnancy nightmare, claiming that dream babies are in fact alive. 

Within days, the new law is already seeing results. Last night, a Montgomery citizen named Blesser Heart awoke to her sister, Junebug, panting and sitting upright in bed. Junebug explained that she had a horrible dream in which she was pregnant. Appalled, Blesser immediately stopped comforting her sister and reported her to the police for ending a dream baby’s life. 

“The fact that anyone would view pregnancy as a nightmare is in and of itself a crime,” said Judge Tom Parker in court. “But the audacity to then wake up from that dream in the middle of the baby’s development, well, that is just downright cruel!” 

Junebug is now facing 20 years to life in prison and Alabama plans on inserting microchips into every woman’s brain so they can monitor their dreams and make sure any future violators can be arrested immediately. In response to concerns about this plan’s invasion of privacy and failure to observe bodily autonomy, Tom Parker responded, “I’m sorry, can you expand on that? I’m not familiar with the term ‘bodily autonomy.’ As far as I’m concerned, it says right here in God’s great book that I, Tom Parker, can do whatever I want with any female’s body.”