On February 5th, King Charles III was diagnosed with an unrevealed type of cancer during a procedure to treat his grossly oversized prostate. In typical white-person fashion, the King has announced a desire to treat his illness not through traditional means but rather unclarified “herb treatments.” The results were reportedly immediate and astonishing, with Buckingham Palace communications announcing later that afternoon the intentions for all further mentions of the royal to refer to him exclusively as “Charli3.”

Reports from inside Buckingham Palace reveal other contenders included “His Royal HIGHness,” “Char-Char Binks,” and “Kush Charles.” Sources close to the royal family also confirmed that “the change in Charli3’s behavior was noticeable as soon as treatment began, he ordered three pallets of pretzels, brushed off his impression of Sandra Bullock’s character in ‘The Blind Side,’ and declared April 20th a bank holiday.”

Prince William put out a cryptic statement in support of his father’s unique treatment decision, saying, “the natural route was actually my idea, as I worried traditional methods of treatment might have led to him surviving. JK. Unless…”

The rest of Charli3’s public engagements in the month of February were also postponed or canceled, with curious reasons being provided: the releases of Sony’s Madame Web and Paramount’s Bob Marley: One Love.