This past week, Northwestern president Michael Schill held a press conference to address what he described as “an issue that has plagued our campus for far too long”: the lack of fat geese on school grounds. “It’s a shame that we have so many geese in our lakes and ponds,” Schill continued, “and NONE OF THEM are fat. Frankly, it’s disgraceful.”

The public reaction has been mixed. Thankfully, a Flipside reporter was at the conference and was able to get a few questions answered by the man himself. Our reporter asked Schill what the point of this seemingly unnecessary plan is. Schill simply responded, “Are the geese fat? I didn’t think so. The plan is to fatten the geese. Is this guy an idiot?”

Yes, he is. The reporter in question has since been let go. The Flipside has no place for sub-par journalism, and quality journalists don’t ask moronic questions.

After Schill was bombarded with questions from people who somehow failed to understand the value of campus geese being as plump as possible, backup arrived in the nick of time. Dr. Duck Duck, a globally renowned expert on goose health, stepped in to clear the air. “You see, Northwestern’s geese aren’t fat. That’s a problem. You need the geese to be fat,” Duck clarified. “If the geese aren’t fat, they’re useless. What the fuck is wrong with you people?”

Schill abruptly ended the press conference by announcing ANOTHER press conference to address what he described as “an unrelated transition from five weekly meal exchanges to three. I think you’ll be very excited about where that extra food is going.”