Northwestern University’s stock portfolio reached “record lows” today as the frozen form of former university president Michael H. Schill was pulled from a Mod Pizza deep freezer, thawed, and promptly reinstated.

“I was in the back of the deep freezer looking for some of that fresh pizza dough we made three weeks ago,” a Mod employee wishing to remain anonymous told the Flipside. “Imagine my surprise when I came up with a fistful of frozen human hair instead of a wad of dough.”

Schill was first hired 50 years ago in 2023 and served as University president for less than one year before being “frozen like a popsicle” in a tragic dry-ice accident, said Northwestern Libraries historian Jaclyn Frost.

“At first, it felt like being shaken awake from a horrible nightmare,” Schill told Flipside reporters, speaking from his third consecutive hot bath. “I couldn’t feel my fingers or my toes, and there was a cold darkness in my heart — like I would never be capable of joy again. Luckily, a nice medium-rare plate of Allison Dining hall chicken fixed me right up.”

Schill rejoins a modern faculty comprised primarily of AI lecturers, sentient Lakefill geese and tenure-track professors kept alive on a combination of virgin blood and spite. His return to modern society marks the third case in the last 20 years of a frozen being re-assuming a prior position of power after Walt Disney and Dolly the cloned sheep, current executor of the late Dolly Parton’s estate.

Next up on Schill’s agenda? To dig up and reanimate the corpse of beloved presidential pooch Max (2020-2023), wrestle control of the Office of the President back from the board of trustees, and “immediately” slash the budget of Dillo 101.