Journalism in the modern day is toothless. It seems like no one wants to tackle the real, substantive, dangerous issues. Maybe they’re afraid of being canceled, shunned, or kidnapped. Well it’s time I take a stand against the epidemic that is happening on this very college campus. To all bisexuals, stop dressing your boyfriends in earth tones, this campus looks like Hobitton.

I swear, every time I walk around campus, it feels like a picnic at the Shire. Listen, I get it, you want your man to dress like the history professor you were crushing on back in high school, but I promise you can dress your charity case of a boyfriend in colors that don’t blend in with a deciduous forest. To be frank, you need to let go of this aesthetic in your mind. Your man is not cottagecore, he is an engineer.

I bit my tongue when these boyfriends began sporting porn staches, and again when they pretended to care about oat milk. But no longer. I dare say that bisexuals have gone too far! Someone needs to take a stand against the ever growing mob of Hobbits. I’m not asking for the moon, I just want a campus that has fashion biodiversity. The earth tone niche is rapidly overcrowding, and now I don’t feel as special whenever I walk around in my own earth tones with my bisexual partner.