10. the Burger King

I’m a simple girl, I see a royal man and I start blushing red like an uncooked burger. However, apart from the fancy outfits and his dominion over the kingdom of high cholesterol, I think I would get bored of him after a few weeks. But what he lacks in character he makes up for in royal status.

     9. Mr. Peanut

Similar to the previous entry, Mr. Peanut definitely has bank and I am not immune to the sexual allure of a shit ton of money. He also has style and would treat me like a gentleman should. The one downside is that he still abides by Victorian era gender roles, so I would have to wear a petticoat every day of my life until his nut finally busts for the last time.

    8. the St. Pauli girl

The St. Pauli girl is the quintessential image of sexy: blonde and busty with minimal personality that allows you to always be the more interesting one in the relationship. She also always brings beer with her wherever she goes, which is a huge plus. Unfortunately, she does not bring you a goddamn sandwich like a good woman should.

    7. the Quaker Oats man  

This is quite literally a wholesome man who also quite literally keeps your heart healthy. He’s basically the Rick Astley of food mascots: he will never give you up, let you down, or desert you. However, he has absolutely no drip whatsoever and insists on wearing the same outfit from 1684, which is really tasty at first but gets boring after a while, just like his oats.

      6. Chester the Cheeto cheetah  

This entry is more off the beaten track, but Chester has that danger about him, that feeling that I shouldn’t go near him but I must, like a vampire or a corner store salad. His glasses hide his intense eyes and his intense past that he won’t share until midway through our romance story arc. At the same time, he also looks like the type of guy who does a lot of cocaine and cheats on you every three days. It’s the brightest flames that burn the fastest. I would do it all again.

      5. The Betty Crocker spoon

As a big fan of spooning, I just know that the Betty Crocker spoon would give me exactly what I need. It’s an underrated classic that deserves more love than it gets. It has curves that never stop and a comforting place to take refuge from this cold, cruel world. The only thing going against it is that it is a spoon.

      4. the Starbucks siren

Think a more mature, more indie Little Mermaid. The siren is the type of girl who stays awake long into the night for thought-provoking conversations, painting her feelings using ground coffee beans and lost dreams, and embarking on cannabis-infused sexual escapades. But be warned: you will probably have to go with her to the march to save fat squirrels, or whatever social justice crap she’s into that week. 

3. The brown M&M

You knew this one was coming. The brown M&M has been a sex symbol since her introduction to the food world and just keeps getting finer over time. She has the body and lips that most women pay to get with plastic surgery, but hers is all natural, baby (apart from the artificial colors and flavors). I would let her step on me in those sexy white pumps.

2. The Jolly Green Giant

The JGG (or “jigolo”, as he’s sometimes called), has so much going for him. He’s tall, handsome, and always color coordinates. He promotes healthy eating and never forgets to tip his waiters or reciprocate oral sex. His smile honestly makes me go weak in the knees, not to mention the fact that he is, in fact, giant (sly wink at the camera). So, if he’s so perfect, why isn’t he at number 1? Well, it’s simple: he’s a vegan, and I will not eat some nasty ass vegan cheese, no matter how amazing his “eggplant” may be.

1. Tony the Tiger

The sexiest food mascot of all time is hands down Tony the Tiger. He has all the qualities that I loved about the JGG, but he doesn’t shame me for eating meat like a rabid dog. You only have to look at him once to know that he would treat you right. He shakes hands with your father and brings gifts for your mother, he’s so great with kids, and he’s not afraid to have fun. He worships the ground I walk on and is a profound feminist ally. As long as you can handle the furry accusations, this is your ideal partner.