Recent surveys have found that nearly 80% of female-identifying students on Northwestern’s campus cite the school’s recent success in basketball as 100% responsible for the rebirth of their relationships with their fathers. 

Some of the survey responses even included gripping testimonials about how bonding over NU basketball has not only re-established, but also drastically improved, their paternal relationships. 

Sophie Freud, a sophomore, explained that “In high school, I was lucky if my dad could remember my best friend’s name or what grade I was in. Now, we talk for hours on the phone about our favorite players on the team and he knows absolutely everything about them. It’s crazy!” 

Other students suddenly find themselves texting with their dads on a regular basis now to discuss upcoming or past games and how the team can come out with another win. 

“Before Northwestern basketball starting winning, the last time my dad and I texted was on my birthday,” said Junior Annie Needy. “My birthday is in August.”

Last week, Annie’s father actually flew to Evanston to meet her for dinner and a basketball game. When asked about his visit with Annie, he responded, “Annie? Who’s Annie? All I know is that last shot by Boo Buie was crazy! And did you see the three-pointer from before?…” He went on for 15 minutes.  

NU basketball players couldn’t be happier that their performance is rekindling important familial relationships. However, they politely ask that these excited fathers stop sending marriage proposals on behalf of their daughters. They are not only unsettling, but also difficult to understand seeing as the daughter’s name is egregiously misspelled in nearly every one.