Even with pre-registration, desperate meetings with apathetic advisors, and months of witchy manifestation, at the end of registration week there are always Northwestern students who can’t get into the classes they need to literally receive their diploma. But don’t worry! There are a few semi-unsavory—but 100% effective—ways to get off those pesky little waitlists. 

1. Bribery

It’s a classic for a reason. Has there ever been a powerful and successful person in the history of time that hasn’t used bribery to at least partly get them where they are today? Remember that if this works (of course it will), you will avoid paying an extra $25,000 for another quarter on this campus just to take a required “technical elective.” Consider the cost-benefit analysis here and promptly cough up a couple hundred bucks to slide under your professor-to-be’s door.

If they have a kid, it can be great to include a note that says something along the lines of, “Don’t be a deadbeat parent. Use this money to buy little Johnny a new pair of shoes, and while you’re at it, let me in your class…or else Johnny might never have the feet to wear shoes ever again.” Money combined with the threat of cutting off a loved one’s body part is a recipe for guaranteed success. 

2. Groveling 

You’re a Northwestern student, so you probably think incredibly highly of yourself and, as a result, this method might be hard to swallow. But it is extraordinarily effective. Simply find the professor’s email and write about 12 sentences that are all synonymous with: “I’m just a stupid little child unworthy of your great teaching and intellect. I hope you can find a place for me in your class so I might gain some knowledge in my tiny, pea-sized, unimportant brain.” Once they feel superior over you, you’ve won. 

3. Perform a dance for them

Remember how your mom used to let you sleep over at your friend’s house after you performed a perfectly choreographed dance to “Burnin’ Up” by the Jonas Brothers? Take those same skills, show up to your professor’s office unannounced, and bust a move. They’ll be so touched and impressed by your grooviness, they’ll have no choice but to let you in.  

4. Blackmail 

The internet is a beautiful thing. Use it to your advantage. The odds that your professor has done something problematic that has ended up online are incredibly high. All you need to do is find the evidence. 

Don’t go for something the school administration doesn’t really care about like racism, sexism, or xenophobia. Instead, find a clip of them saying that Northwestern is in Evanston and not Chicago. If that were to get out, we’d never get another applicant again! Simply remind the professor of their huge slip-up and inform them that if you are not let into this class, they will be publicly shamed on your Twitter account (they don’t need to know you only have 12 followers). 

5. Self-prostitution 

I’m putting this one as a last resort. It’s controversial, but you must remember the golden saying of “sex sells.” If you want to get into a full class, you’re going to have to offer yourself up. Chances are, it’ll be the most action either of you has seen in months. 

Hopefully, at least one of these methods helps you get off that hateful, disgusting waitlist and into a class that won’t change your life but will certainly get you out of here faster! And that’s really all that matters, isn’t it?