Psst Flippy,

I have something really important to ask you. I’m gonna stand up soon to get some water and when I do, I need you took take a good look at my ass and let me know if I bled through my pants. But seriously, you have to be lowkey about it, okay? If everyone sees you staring at my butt, they’ll know I’m on my period and that would obviously be the worst possible thing to happen to me or anyone in the history of time for reasons I’m unaware of, but I’d for sure have to drop out of school, so can you please just do this for me?

Thanks,

A highly anxious and insecure baddie with mega intrusive thoughts

Dear Insecure Baddie,

I hear you. I see you. I will do this for you. And don’t worry, I’ll go the full distance to make sure you’re covered. All I’m going to do is lean over the table, probably bang my elbow, causing my Hydroflask and open pencil case to fall on the floor, pull out my binoculars and zero in on your ass to make sure not a speck of uterine lining is out of place. I’ll even crane my neck and turn upside down if needed to make sure I’ve scanned every inch of your inner pants.

It’s totally cool. I literally do this all the time. I can even do a little sniff test if you want, and let you know if any dogs will try sticking their face up there while you’re walking to class.

Love,

The new intrusive thought hero you never always needed