Wowza! I am just buzzing after my first Safe Ride experience. The whole process was so easy!

Let me set the scene. I was up in Elder, making bathtub gin (as one does!) with my North Campus friends. You couldn’t even taste the dead skin cells! But anyway, I had a couple tubfuls too much and, needless to say, I was feeling more sauced than the Domino’s Pizza we’d eaten while watching Succession.

“Just call a Safe Ride,” said my friend Dylan, setting up a line on the rim of the tub with his crusty Wildcard. Great idea!

I put in the call at 11:51 P.M. Friday night. Next thing I knew, it was 7:51 P.M. Saturday night. I couldn’t believe it! It came exactly on the minute. My driver was wearing a white collared shirt with a bowtie and some nice slacks. He kind of looked like a waiter, say, for a fancy wedding in England or something.

“Want to do some ketamine?” he asked. Why not! It was still the weekend!

He told me he knew where to find more drugs. I didn’t ask, but ok! Maybe it was the ketamine talking, but I decided hell, why not drive there myself! Next thing I knew, we were on the path by the lake when we saw a cluster of Bienen kids singing a selection from Urinetown. I swerved to miss them, and the car tumbled straight into the lake! What a rush! I made it out ok, but decided not to look for my driver. I ended up swimming back to my dorm. So yeah, my Safe Ride was great! Now I can get back to plotting how to screw my dad out of his conglomerate.