With the holiday season rapidly approaching, more and more people are searching for the perfect gift for that special man in their life. Unfortunately, there are a lot of sub-par gift ideas for men on the market. Tool sets, beard oils, ties–all of these gifts are labeled “for him,” but I’m here to tell you that these gifts will never please. If you want to see a man’s face light up, get him something that will leave his legs shaking and booty aching. 

            Corporations love to slap “for him” on any item that could be found in a stepdad’s toolshed, but how can they promise male satisfaction if these neckties don’t stimulate the prostate? Stop labeling vanilla ass tabletop chess set as “Gifts For Him” when the Queen can’t even be inserted safely into his lower kingdom.  

            Screwdrivers, sweaters, lawnmowers, all of these items can move a man, but only a strap-on can really bring that DILF to his knees. Besides, when was the last time you saw an “O” face on a man sitting on a Lay-Z-Boy? 

            So this year, ditch the candy, and stuff your man’s stocking with something silicone and waterproof–bonus points if it vibrates. remember: kisses make a man’s week, but a prostate orgasm makes a man weak.