Dear Flippy,

Like every other kid at this school, I am in an academic crisis. There is a mysterious registration hold on my CAESAR account and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’ve tried everything – even going through the torturous process of resetting my Duo Push. However, every time I click ‘enroll’ in my shopping cart a big message pops up that says “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID MAX -xoxo, Morty.”

I’m a freshman, so the only two times I’ve seen Morty was at his bingo game during Wildcat Welcome and this one time I walked by him on Halloween night. Do you think it’s because I didn’t say anything to him? We locked eyes (it was kind of romantic) and he said “happy Halloween” to me, but I was so intimidated (and possibly love-stricken) that I merely nodded and went on my way.

I’m thinking of emailing him an apology. What do you suggest I do Flippy?

Best,

Max Schitt

Dear Mr. Schitt,

You fucked up. You really fucked up. What on earth were you thinking?! Morton Owen Schapiro is basically a god amongst men on this campus. You’ve been here long enough that you should’ve known better. I don’t know how else to put this but you’re going to have a very awkward conversation with your parents.

If I were you, I’d take the quarter, maybe even the year off. You need to wait it out until our Girlboss-in-Chief Becky Blank takes over and then you might get a second chance. In the meantime, I would skip the apology letter and go straight down the donation path. Not some Ryan-level donation but something large enough that they would name a building after you. If I’m feeling generous, I may be willing (for a fee, of course) to use my in with the university to make sure that Schitt Hall is home to cool classes like Sexual Intercourse 326 and Calc 212. All you have to do is wire your donation amount (in Bitcoin, please) to my account. I’ll handle everything else from there.

I would say good luck but honestly you’re in some deep shit buddy,

Flippy