After months of rallying for reformed mental health resources on campus, the University finally responded to students’ requests this week. Northwestern University students opened their doors this Thursday to find “sloppily wrapped” gift boxes. Upon opening these presents from above, students were greeted with a letter.

“This box contains the answers to all of your mental health problems! We’ve received your angry emails, your overflowing petitions, your handwritten letters. We get it. You’re all mentally ill. Well, the Northwestern administrators are here to help! Enclosed in this box you will find some assorted goodies that we are certain will cure you of any stress or anxiety you might have. Please stop bothering us :))”

Security camera footage in various dorm halls showed a scene reminiscent of toddlers on Christmas, with wrapping paper being flung over shoulders and gleeful laughter echoing through the halls. A full list of the contents of each box includes adult coloring books, gold star stickers, Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty, a stress ball inscribed with “We’re N This Together,” and a QR code for an online raffle giving away a single CAPS appointment.

“All in all, it wasn’t a bad haul,” stated student Payton Chaddha. “I wouldn’t have minded more Kleenex, and maybe a little bit of Prozac, but I can’t complain. Hell, maybe I’ll win that 30 minute therapy appointment.”

Chaddha proceeded to break down into convulsing sobs, ending the interview.