So, you’ve finally found yourself back on a college campus when, suddenly, you feel an itch down there. Don’t worry, girlie! We’re here to help. This is the Flippy-certified guide to avoiding the tangerine tinkle, written by yours truly, Koity S. Avoidus.

1. Drink plenty of liquids! Going to the bathroom more often means that less of that icky, vile bacteria can thrive in your nether regions. Literally go piss, girl!
2. Pee after you do the deed! If it’s been inside, don’t let it reside — once again, that no-good bacteria is just hungering for a chance to destroy your precious body. Evacuate that ish ASAP!
3. Don’t have sex. Sex is a sinful activity to participate in before marriage, and the various sexually transmitted infections that we know and hate are recompense for disobeying the world of our Lord, our God in Heaven. It’s never too late to be redeemed! Repent and pray for forgiveness, and perhaps the need to pee will go ease, the itch will be scratched, and true glory — rather than fleeting satisfaction — will be found through the all-encompassing embrace of the Holy Spirit. Temptation is sin. Free yourself from your carnal desires and ascend to a higher realm of being.

Well, that about does it! Good luck getting rid of the divine punishment you’ve wrought, and amen!