It’s time we address the problem with no name: South Campus Men and their outfits. One needs only loiter around the sorority quad for mere minutes to recognize that it was like someone gave the old rub to a bottle of Kombucha and out came 60 dudes named Mychal. In order to get to the heart of the problem I leapt straight into the belly of the beast, the Willard courtyard.

After hunting the sounds of moccasins and fur-lined jean jackets for all of 3 minutes, I found myself standing in what can only be described as a Tame Impala tailgate. I walked up to the first man I saw with a thigh tattoo to get the down low on the south campus fashion game.

            “It’s really about showing off my individuality,” said Xavier Squarantino, wearing the same Willard sweatshirt, 5-inch inseam Patagonia shorts, and Stan Smith’s that were allegedly once white. “And I think that my personality really shines through in the clothes that I choose to wear.” Xavier unfortunately had to run off to his film class before I got the chance to ask for three gluten free wishes.

            I decided to interview some eyewitnesses to see what the campus thought of this kombucha-genie fiasco.

            “It’s frankly ridiculous,” says Katy Bell, a south campus resident. “I’m just trying to wait to cross the street and then here comes some dude in his bucket hat and Yeezys asking me if I preferred Donda or CLB. What even is a CLB, a sandwhich?!” Sadly, Katy was not the only victim of these men. A recent Flipside poll showed that over 40% of Northwestern students have been accosted by someone in an A24 baseball cat and over 60% of students were asked whether they knew that Tame Impala was one guy.

            While reports of ridiculous South Campus fits still filter in, remind your loved ones that it is drip or drown on the south side. Stay safe and stay stylish.