It’s only Week 3 of the fall quarter, yet many Northwestern students are already on the brink of collapse. While the administration is sending out CAPS links in size 6 font and professors are patting themselves on the back for knocking one page off of 50 page readings, the Dearborn Observatory is making its support of students loud and clear by also nearly falling apart. 

“You know, in unprecedented times like this, it’s nice to know that the observatory feels us,” said Class of 2023 physics and astronomy major Andromeda Alpha. As she talked, she shed some tears that glistened in the full, beaming, glowing moonlight. “This is what real solidarity looks like.” 

At first, many astronomy students were disappointed and even outraged when they learned that they were unable to enter Dearborn to look at stars, planets, and other assorted space shit . However, upon hearing university officials describe the extent of the building’s water damage as “the sloppiest toppy”, student outcry quickly switched to support. In fact, they felt it was a deep show of support on behalf of the student body, which is also buckling under strenuous liquid based tension. 

Sawyer Starchaser, one of the TAs for the astronomy department, said that the observatory sounds exactly like him. “Severe water damage is the observatory’s replication of the buckets of stress tears that come out of me when I spend an hour writing an email to a professor to ask a question about the homework, only for them to reply with two sentences, a typo, and ‘Sent from my iPhone’. Relatable!” he cried. 

If the roof of Dearborn is this close to collapse based on students’ stress levels now, we can only imagine what the observatory has in store as a show of support once finals roll around in December.