Dear Flippy,

Help! I was chatting with this hot goth girl I met on JSwipe, and she asked me what time I was born. The last time someone asked me that, they also asked for my mom’s maiden name and the three little numbers on the back of my credit card, so I was understandably concerned. She explained that she wanted to do my birth chart to figure out my astrological signs. But I’ve already done my birth chart, Flippy, and it’s bad! King Julian sun, Maurice moon, and Mort rising? How am I supposed to get any pussy with a Mort rising? Not to mention that once she gets to know my true self, she’ll be driven away by the obnoxious aspects of my King Julian personality! I wish I was a Skipper, or at the very least a Rico. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Not “Moving it Moving It” in Madagascar

Dear Madagascar,

With a Mort rising, I’m surprised you’re not more into feet. But putting that aside, relax! At least you’re not a Private. And besides, astrology isn’t real. You really think the planets and stars give a damn about us? You have bigger things to worry about, like blood diamonds, grass stains, and what to do with your pizza table collection once your mom kicks you out of the house.

Yours till the kitchen sinks,

Flippy