Johnson and Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine, released earlier this year, has drawn fans and doubters alike for its one-shot method. But J&J has found an unlikely supporter in Northwestern University’s jousting club or, as they are better known, the Knights of Those Weird Blue Pod Tables at Norris.

“At long last, a vaccine that shall say ‘fie, fie!’ to the COVID-19 coursing through mine body, but without all the meandering of those double injection layabouts!” shouted club president Sir Roderick the Dickhard (SoC ‘22). “Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”

Member Sir Paul the Dicksoft (Medill ‘24) said that he was offered a Moderna vaccine over spring break, but he turned it down. “Bah! Those weak-hearted fopdoodles thought they could infringe upon mine honor. Nay! Only Sir Johnson shall be the conqueror of mine upper arm muscle.”

According to Dickhard, the Knights of Those Weird Blue Pod Tables at Norris are waiting until each member has received the J&J vaccine before resuming in-person meetings. “We must also wait for Northwestern to allow us to bring horses to Deering Meadow,” explained Dickhard.