Northwestern students of all majors jumped onto CAESAR this week to scroll through the new Spring 2021 course catalog, many hoping to find in-person education options after three quarters of online classes. Their hopes were answered as the course catalog listed a single in-person class for the upcoming quarter, titled “Interactive Epidemiology 101.”

“Instead of trying to stop the spread of COVID-19 on Northwestern’s campus at its branches, we’ve decided to simply tackle it at the root,” said Dean of Weinberg College Adrian Randolph.

Randolph explained that all students planning on getting COVID-19 this quarter will be automatically enrolled in the class and assessed through weekly tests. If a student fails any one of these tests, receiving a negative COVID-19 result, they will fail the class and potentially face expulsion. The costs of enrollment are steep, but, as always, the challenge is worthwhile for those determined to excel at Northwestern. 

Randolph added that all students currently living in Bobb-McCullogh Residence Hall will be automatically enrolled, and the class will take place in the halls of the building.

“It’s the art of movement, really,” said Professor Nana Splitt of the dance department, who will be co-teaching Interactive Epidemiology 101 with the biology department. “The dance of the virus from one to another. By mirroring the dance of the virus, our students will make peace with their own idiocy.”

CAESAR shows that there are 21,000 seats left in the class, enough for all students on campus. But only time, infection, and thousands of nasal swabs jammed painfully up nostrils will tell if they have what it takes to be the most super spreaders of all.