Remember how back in elementary school, all the guys around would pit their dads against each other in tests of strength? Well, not anymore. Now that we’re in the middle of a pandemic, fighting from close-range only spells disaster. Unless you’re my dad.

This man got vaccinated just the other week, and if you don’t think that I’m going to milk this for all it’s worth, then you’re dead fucking wrong. Hey, Bradleigh Jenkins, remember me from first grade? Still think your hunky dad could beat mine? Huh? You think that his strong, beefy, rippling muscles are gonna protect him from some airborne particles? Wrong! Just a little bit of spittle could bring that man to his knees, while mine could take it full force — and a gallon more, just for fun.

Yeah, your dad’s jawline might be able to cut glass, but my dad’s pumped-up immune system is the final stage in the evolution of human resilience that Mr. Jenkins and his taut ass could never hope to match in his wildest dreams. So come on, why don’t you let them go a couple rounds at the Kroger in Fort Worth? Bet you my dad will end up on top, and hopefully I will too.

Fuck you, Bradleigh. My dad is gonna win, and I’m gonna be your stepdad before you know it.