We’ve all wondered at some point or another: are we named Steve? Well, wonder no more – with this quick and easy quiz, put to rest all of your fears, listless hopes, and desires, and we’ll find out together whether or not you’re named Steve. This should only take a minute. There’s only one question.

• 1. Are you named Steve?

Great! If you answered no, then you’re not named Steve, sorry. Feel free to click away from the quiz now. However, if you answered yes, I actually have another question for you.

• 2. Do you remember me?

If you answered no, you might not be Steve. At least, not the right Steve. But, just in case, go ahead and forge on to question

• 3. Are you sure, baby?

If you answered yes, then click away now. Right now. You’re not the right Steve, you’ll never be the right Steve. Steve, baby, you can’t have completely forgotten about the day we had together. 

• 4. You know, whenever I go into Walgreens to get my prescription, I pass that bathroom. Do you think about it too?

I think about it a lot. I think about it whenever I look at my ass. The way you grabbed it, Steve. The way the shock shot up through my body, and the way I slipped in the forsaken floor pee, Steve. The way you caught me just as my ponytail was dipping into the toilet water.

• 5. Are you ready to meet your son?

I know what you might be thinking. We didn’t have sex. It was just the kiss and the ass grab and the whole toilet water thing. And I don’t know if you count the high-five at the end of the whole thing. Anyway, yeah. Maybe you and I didn’t have sex. But two birds did, and they laid an egg and it hatched and became a parakeet. To be clear, I bought a parakeet. I named it Steve Jr.

• 6. Well, anyway, I pick up my prescriptions on Wednesdays after my trapeze class. You know where I’ll be if you see this. I love you.