January in Evanston means it’s not just dry outside: it’s also dry in your DMs. Area first-year Paula Pumpernickel lamented her lack of action in a person-on-the-street survey.

“I thought it would be better in person, but it’s not. These Northwestern boys are all talk,” she said. “My phone would be completely dead if it wasn’t for Color.”

Color, everyone’s favorite COVID-19 self-testing program, has a handy text feature to let you know when your results are available. Color also, in a crafty move by its programmers, exclusively sends out these texts between the hours of 12 and 4 am.

“Look, it’s rough out here. We get it,” said C. Vid Schwab, a representative for Color. “With the pandemic, it’s been a lot harder to meet some honeys and do the horizontal mambo, if you get my drift. Color is just giving these kids something to keep them going.”

Schwab explained Color’s patented BootyCall™ algorithm, designed to send test results and fun little messages, like “Are you a mask? Cause I want you to sit on my face (but also above my nose)” and “You’re gonna love my stimulus package ;)” to check in on students during the wee hours of the morning.

“Of course we don’t run the labs all night,” Schwab said. “Those test results came out at 1pm. But no one is horny at 1pm.”

Color’s algorithm has received mixed reviews from students.

“I got a text from Color last night saying ‘What that mouth do?’” Pumpernickel said. “It didn’t even have my results.” But she’s not complaining.

“It’s a little confusing, but honestly at this point I’ll take anything.”