Some people peak as high school prom queen, some people reach their apex with an award or promotion at work, but you rolled up your sleeves, partied hard in college, and came back to single-handedly put your town on the map as a COVID hotspot. Bravo to you. Here are some tips and tricks on staying humble once Springfield, Michigan finds out they have the newest super-spreader on their hands.

Acknowledge those who came before you

            Remember whose footsteps you’re walking in. Thank Chad from Beta Chicken Thigh for sticking his tongue down your throat mere minutes after receiving news of his positive COVID test. Thank Chad’s roommate, Travis, for refusing to wear his mask the entire time he flew across the country last weekend when he was definitely not allowed to leave campus. All of these people played a part in getting you to this moment. That one Chinese bat walked so you could infect everyone at your local Target.

Give back

            While it may have been easy for you to contract Corona from the Beta frat basement, know that not everyone is so lucky. Take it upon yourself to visit your friends who were forced to stay home from college this semester. Share plenty of drinks, start a used-mask swap, and maybe even take turns swabbing each other’s noses with a single, shared q-tip for fun! Maybe even stop by Grandma on life support. Try and show her a good time – she’s not getting any younger!

Don’t stop celebrating

However you go about sharing your gift with the world, and no matter the slack you get from the Moms of Springfield Facebook group, don’t stop partying! You are a strong, independent woman and you did not make it all the way through the first round of rushing at Kappa Kappa Alcohol Poisoning to go more than three full days without raging to Dance Monkey. In celebration of you, why not put together an unmasked kegger at the local Urgent Care? Remember, whatever your town’s group limit is, don’t forget to (at least) triple it. You’re only home for a few weeks!

Try out these methods to stay your most humble self this Thanksgiving season, and while you’re at it, don’t forget to tell everyone that you may have brought home Chlamydia too. Happy holidays!