Dear Flippy,

I just don’t know what to do. This girl I’ve been seeing, just casually, you know, for 12 years all of sudden wants to “define the relationship.” Yeah, we’ve been hanging out regularly since before I could ride a bike and she was a bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding, but I’m just not looking to be tied down right now, ya feel? And what mental piece of work just springs this kind of decision on me after being there for me emotionally and physically on a consistent basis for a dozen years?! Traditional labels like “boyfriend” or “significant other” are just so confining for a modern guy like myself. I don’t even really need her anyway– I’m sure I can find another girl who can put up with my super competitive family, doesn’t judge me for my bizarre sexual fetishes, and does the same emotional heavy lifting as a licensed therapist in no time. Man to man Flippy, how do I tell this crazy chick what’s up?

Sincerely,

Brett Dypschitt

Dear Brett,

I feel your struggle, I really do. I’ve been in this exact situation several times myself, and I have a foolproof way of dealing with it. First things first, break up with this nut job. Really lean into it because the last thing you want is this chick being supportive of you any longer. To make sure she never comes crawling back you gotta set her up with one of your fellas. Not just any guy though, this guy has to be a real wimp: I mean really considerate, intelligent, passionate, funny, good personal hygiene–the whole nine yards. This guy’s not going to know what hit him when you set him up with a piece of work like your ex. Then you sit back and watch as it turns to shit. They’ll date for five years, get married and have beautiful children, like a real couple of suckers. And when you get their twelfth simple, but artfully crafted, Christmas card mailed to you at your parents’ house where you’ve been crashing for the past ten years until your app takes off, you’ll know you dodged a HUGE bullet.

Warmest regards,

Flippy