Hours of fruitless labor poring over Trulia, Craigslist, and Apartments.com have finally broken area woman Melissa Seymour, who now seeks for naught but a non-murderous man to split the rent of a nice studio in the city.

“There is absolutely zero reason I should have to pay $1300/month for a 200sqft 1bed/1bath, zero utilities included studio in Wicker Park,” Seymour lamented. “The only way that’s happening is if I split the rent with my boyfriend, who is currently, well… non-extant.”

Seymour is only one of a tidal wave’s worth of young Millennial/Gen Z cusps struggling to afford housing in a major metropolitan hub.

That contention is leading Seymour to sacrifice her strong, independent womanhood in search of any random guy who’s willing to split rent.

“Basically, my standards are that I don’t want someone who has a criminal record,” Seymour said, “Actually… if he’s willing to cover electric, I wouldn’t mind a few class-3 misdemeanors.”