In a move preceded only twice in the history of this hallowed nation, House speaker Nancy Pelosi has begun the lengthy journey that could end in — I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore, Paula please let me talk to the kids.

I’ve made mistakes. I know that. I’m not blind to my faults, babe. But I shouldn’t have to get into college at 41, feign interest at the most tedious info meetings I’ve ever been to and go through the arduous (and highly selective) application process to get myself hired at at America’s foremost university satire paper in order to reach you!

And before you say anything YES Paula I doin fact remember the custody hearing, and yes I do know what the judge said. Trust me, no one is more aware that you’re more fit to hold majority custody over me than I am. But it was just an unnecessary slap in the face to be awarded .1% custody in the face of your 99.9% custody, and I saw the way you and that judge were looking at each other, Paula, it doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out that you’re sleeping with the “honorable” Judge Pickards, just like you fucked my bro–

…I’m sorry, Paula. I know how you always hated my temper.

Just, please, honey. If you have any compassion left for a lonely, waste of a broken-down man… let me see my children. Please.