Sometimes you feel like things are hopeless, or like your life holds no value, and that’s perfectly valid. I, too, felt that way for a time, before me and Angela Burkolini fucked for seven minutes on the floor of Main Library. Now, I feel great.

Before I got laid, I was restless and directionless, like a ship caught in stormy seas with no sail. But after I had partially unprotected sex 12 feet away from where respectable students were studying for their Chem finals, I realized my self-worth.

I was lazy, listless, and broken inside, but ever since our night (or really evening) of passion, my life has totally turned around. I got into not one, but two improv groups on campus. I’ve passed 2 out of my 4 classes. I successfully faked my way into a frat party. My mother’s healthcare bills have been remarkably paid off and my grandfather recently emerged from a 7-year coma to congratulate me on “getting my dick wet.”

For those of you lost souls out there, I hope this reminds you that there is hope–and it is found by sucking a titty on the library floor.