At a recent meeting with City of Evanston Residents, McCormick sophomore Chris Connors had some encouraging words for the unsettled homeowners: “We’ll just throw drunk people in the lake, OK?” Connors is a part of Mayfest Productions, the student group behind the planning and execution of Northwestern’s biggest (and only) music festival of the year. Mayfest was tasked with the challenge of convincing Evanston families and police officials that the hoard of rowdy, underage drunks expected annually are no match for the visual screening at the single entrance to the Lakefill.

According to Nancy Fletcher, an Evanston resident since 1965, “The community relations have really evolved in the past couple of years. The hush money payments from NU Administration are a neat bonus. Wait, scratch that last line.”

Sources report that while the Northwestern Police decided to beef up security by flying in hundreds of special agents from the Qatar campus, Connors had a more buoyant solution to deal with the inebriated Dillo patrons. “I got the idea when my friend, who’s over the age of 21, dropped a can of beer into a pool. The can floated. So if these students are full of beer, they’ll float too.” The computer science major designed an elaborate display featuring a beer can and a bucket for the residents. “After the event, we can just take a big net and scoop everybody into it. Just grab each person’s Wildcard information and send them home.”

The Mayfest team also plans to release a book of phrases you can use when interacting with law enforcement, such as “I’m not drunk officer, you are,” “I swear to high I’m not God,” and “But prison jumpsuits make by butt look big!”