Dear Flippy,

That’s a funny name. Did your mommy and daddy name you Flippy? Or is it short for something. Like maybe Flipson? Or Flipanie. Are you a boy or a girl?

My name is Emma and I am 8 and a half years old! That means I’ll be nine soon. Or maybe not, sometimes I forget how months work.

I’m writing because right now I am in my room and I hear mommy yelling and crying at Victoria, daddy’s super nice secretary. Sometimes daddy buys me As Seen On TV toys not to bring her up to mommy. He said she’s his bestest friend, like me and my ladybug Pillowpet^TM.

Well Flippy, I forgot that I wasn’t supposed mention Victoria and I asked mommy what kind of work Daddy and Victoria together when she screams his name over and over. I thought it was just a really scary conference call. The connection must be really bad. Also I don’t know why she also yells “spank me I’m a bad girl” because who wants to be spanked anyway?

What’s going on Flippy? Now mommy is calling Victoria daddy’s “whore.” Maybe “whore” also means “daughter?” Because Victoria sure does call him “daddy” a lot. Is Victoria my sister?

Thanks Flippy! Love,

Emma (I forgot how to spell my last name but I know it starts with a T)

 

Dear Emma I-forgot-how-to-spell-my-last-name-but-I-know-it-starts-with-a-T,

First off, no, Victoria is probably not your sister, and if she is, we have an even bigger problem on our hands.

It sounds to me like your daddy is fucking Victoria extramaritally. See, Emma, there’s this thing called cheating, like when you cheat on a spelling test by looking at someone else’s answers. Well, daddy here is doing that, but instead of a spelling test it’s a woman, and instead of answers, it’s Victoria’s reproductive system.

If I were you, I’d gear up for a bitter divorce and custody battle. Daddy will be secretly relieved when mommy gets 80% custody and he only gets you a couple times a year, and mommy will eagerly bleed him dry of every bit of cash he was saving for a month-long trip to bone Victoria in the Bahamas. Honestly, I don’t blame mommy here– what kind of man buys As Seen On TV products?

Anyway, good luck in the proceedings that will almost certainly grace your ninth year of life. Have fun in therapy!

Love,

Flippy

P.S. Flippy is a biblical name.