A report commissioned by the Northwestern Flipside was released yesterday revealing that your grandma is more likely to donate to the Nigerian prince that keeps e-mailing her than to your Dance Marathon fund.

While the report came as a disappointing surprise to some, WCAS junior Lily Blake took the news in stride.

“Even when you’re little, you know your grandparents have favorites,” Blake told the Flipside. “It’s not that Grandma Amy doesn’t love me, but she always has paid more attention to Prince Kumalo than she has to me. She’s been more open with him about everything – from her childhood to her financial records – and I’m pretty sure he’s always gotten the majority of the birthday money. I’ve made my peace with it.”

“Look – it’s great that she’s dancing to help children, but Prince Tunde is trying to stabilize the colonies,” said Northwestern grandmother Marge Beck (WCAS ‘58). “The prince has also promised me plenty of gold, and I need to make sensible investments at my age.”

Beck went on to contrast her financial decisions with those of millennials, making heavy use of the phrase “avocado toast”.

While Blake deemed Beck’s criticisms “unfair,” some of her classmates struggling to make the fundraising deadline have decided to copy Beck and contact Prince Tunde directly looking for help.

“I sent him my NetID and password last week, so I should be getting a $50,000 contribution any day now,” said Matt Henson, SESP ’22.