Surveys conducted by HPaW reveal that a shocking 31% of Northwestern students have a dangerously low blood alcohol content which coincides with a precipitous decline in the population’s party invites. The social capital of students with functioning livers is apparently critically low.

“It’s a self-perpetuating cycle,” Mason Wincheski, Weinberg junior, sighs as he wipes a small paper cut with a disinfectant wipe in the desperate hope to get alcohol into his system. “Everyone knows anyone worth anything has an unhealthy dependency on shitty beer and shots of the cheapest vodka possible. People start to realize you don’t reek of Fireball anymore, and they stop inviting you to sweat uncomfortably in their frat parties to the poppin’ beats of Owl City’s Fireflies.”

A stray tear spills from Mason’s eye, gently rolling down his cheek the same way a chunk of vomit might roll delicately down a dorm trash can. He makes little effort to wipe it away, revealing the true sign of a broken man beyond repair.

“I guess on the bright side, I don’t have any more addictions that could possibly end up being unhealthy later on,” Mason concedes as he takes a fat rip from his vape pen.