That’s right, I think we all know the real reason we’re only #10 while clearly inferior schools like Duke rank above us. Even though safety schools like MIT (who aren’t Big Ten Top Ten) are obviously worse than us, they have a clear advantage, in that their nerds at least make some useful shit.

When Northwestern launched the Garage as a space for innovation and entrepreneurship back in 2015, it was heralded as a place where those losers in McCormick could finally make something worth talking about. But to our continual frustration, they’ve only managed to make coffee related businesses, because college students were having problems getting coffee somehow.

“We all want to make cool, sexy weapons of war, but this university and the Geneva conventions keep holding us back,” said McCormick Junior Anna Sun. After drinking half a bottle of vodka, she added “MIT lets their students make as many weapons as they want”.

It’s a crime that the university is stifling innovation, because we’ve got some of the best nerds on the planet. Really McCormick kids, we can’t get even one repulsor ray? But it seems until some plucky young polymath with a great goatee decides to take justice into their own hands, Northwestern will remain hopelessly stranded at the bottom of the top 10 list.