The end of the Fall Quarter is a challenging time for all Northwestern Students. However, with the recent onset of colder weather, one group claims to have been hit particularly hard: rich assholes.

“Just because my dad makes $400,000 a year doesn’t mean life isn’t hard for me” said Medill junior Kelsey Bryant. “I have to deal with so much already: not having my car, losing my fake, and now bad weather? How will I survive?” lamented Bryant as she threw the hood of her $1,500 Canada Goose jacket over her head.

“It was so cold the other day that my phone died and I couldn’t get an Uber. I actually had to take public transit,” complained distraught Weinberg sophomore Adam Lynns. “There were homeless people on that thing!”

The extreme difficulty faced by wealthy students has not gone unnoticed. University President Morton Schapiro released a statement Thursday expressing remorse and support for those affected by the weather. “Making Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,” Schapiro said. “If the ultra-wealthy don’t have the freedom to dick around at this school, then really, what are we accomplishing?”