English major Spencer Minchin spent much of a Saturday party contemplating the complex symbolism of the absolutely drenched walls in the basement of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity house.

“I think I’ve cracked the case,” Minchin proclaimed to no one in particular. “These walls aren’t simply covered in water vapor because of the absurd amount of people in this basement. No no, the walls must be crying out for help!”

Minchin, in no danger of being overheard over the bone-shaking bass of “Mo Bamba,” continued to pontificate.

“These walls have seen so much in this basement. I mean, they have a front row seat to the toxic masculinity of American fraternity culture. And they weep!”

As Minchin picked up steam with his theory, he remained oblivious to the fact that not a single person at the party was listening.

“If these walls could talk, I bet they’d be telling us that it’s okay to cry sometimes. American society doesn’t tell young men that crying is acceptable, we teach them to be strong and hide their emotions. The walls are trying to teach us a valuable lesson!”

The Northwestern administration has awarded Minchin the privilege of leading a school-wide True Northwestern Dialogue, dubbed the “Brad & Chad TND.”