In a rambling speech on Tuesday, University President Morton Shapiro admitted to Northwestern’s Board of Trustees that he’s not really sure why he can’t keep seeing his pediatrician.

“I just felt like I had a special connection with Dr. Tottles,” Morty lamented to the confused room of trustees, who thought they were getting a speech about the university budget. “Every time he would put one of my little hairs under his microscope and tell me he could see AND in my DNA. But then, all of a sudden, everything changed.  He says I need to visit an adult doctor, but the other guy doesn’t have Pokemon Band-Aids!”

According to a trustee Flipside sources spoke to, Morty went on to list a variety of other grievances. “He was pretty upset that his new doctor, Dr. Burg, wouldn’t let his parents come into the room with him,” said the trustee. “He kept repeating that Dr. Burg wasn’t even his real doctor. And I’m pretty sure the lack of lollipops at the end of his appointments is bothering him, too.”

The trustees eventually brought the meeting back to its intended topic: funding for the new Feinberg School of Medicine Ouchy Prevention Center.