High school valedictorians piled into CAPS, lamenting their perfectly unremarkable academic records, as CAPS staff passed out ‘A+’ stickers.

“For some, college was the first time anything they touched wasn’t instantly and unequivocally praised,” CAPS psychologist Sandra McClure explained. “They’ve been conditioned to respond positively only to gold stars and hand-drawn smiley faces on their papers. Now, they get assignments back with no such embellishments and it truly shakes them to their core.”

Pity welled up in her eyes as she continued.

“These stickers are a reminder of what used to bring them so much joy. We at CAPS strive to affirm the appallingly fragile, extrinsically-fixed self-worth of our former best and brightest.”

“Before Northwestern, I hadn’t gotten a single B since 5th grade,” said McCormick sophomore Danielle Su. “Everyone knew my name, but now I’m just another face in the crowd.”

She hastily accepted her sticker before darting off to Mudd library, claiming that she wouldn’t sleep until her GPA climbed back above a 3.89.

Meanwhile, counselors descended upon the utterly despondent figure of Lachlan Tiller, WCAS ’20, muttering to himself, “I just know I don’t belong here. This was my safety school.”

Snatching a bubbly, pastel ‘A+’ sticker from a passing staff member, he asked, quivering, “I can still transfer to Harvard, right?”