Though the free condoms and candy of Northwestern’s Sex Week have come and gone, its effects on the student body have only just begun to be felt – and explored.

Weinberg freshman, Peter Sloan, was initially indifferent when he heard that a dominatrix was coming to campus.

“I remember telling friends that I was #foreveralone, and that a pudgy midget had better chances with girls than I did. I was over women. What, was a chance glance from this strikingly gorgeous 5’3” brunette going to knock the breath out of my chest? Yes. Yes it did.”

Peter’s friends noted a remarkable difference in Peter’s personality following professional dominatrix Lady Sophia’s talk on campus. “His confidence, his smile, even his locker-room-talk started to change,” said his friend André, also a Weinberg freshman. “You could say his ‘swagger’ was off the charts.”

Another one of Peter friend’s, Tomas (McCormick ‘21), began to feel a rift between them as Peter became increasingly unusual. “We’d bring up how our female lab partners smiled at us and remembered our name, but Peter didn’t even respond. He started to tell us about PVC, and lycra, and enjoying having his bare ass whipped.”

What unnerved Tomas most, however, was when Peter “started to moan one time after stubbing his toe.”

Peter, for his part, has expressed that he feels unsupported by his “closed-minded friends.”

“I can’t thank Lady Sophia enough for opening my mind and my body to new forms of pleasure,” he gushed. “I just can’t wait until the summer to share this sexual awakening with my parents.”