Sources report that the highly anticipated bike path along Sheridan Road, which was finally opened last October, is still complete. Since the bike path is still complete, students who enjoyed using it to commute more easily from north to south are able to continue to do so, just like they already have been.

Students all around campus are very excited to hear that the bike path continues to exist. “The Sheridan bicycle lane has magical properties,” said Jason Plingus, Weinberg ’21. “It’s like some supernatural force is constantly preserving its existence from one moment to the next.” Plingus then told interviewers that he couldn’t wait to continue to not watch out for bikes when he crosses the street.

The Northwestern Alumni Office was also quick to respond to the news story. “We’d also like to take this opportunity to point out that Stephen Colbert and Julia Louis-Dreyfus are still Northwestern alumni,” said head Northwestern brochure-maker Carrie Polleta. She added, “Did I mention Stephen Colbert yet? Ok, good.”

Although everybody is celebrating the great news that the bike path is still complete, reports unfortunately confirm that the frat pledge who lives down the hall from you is still an asshole.