At a private meeting yesterday, university president Morty Schapiro reportedly begged football coach Pat Fitzgerald to stop stealing his shoes, tying them together, and throwing them over telephone wires. In addition, sources in Schapiro’s office claim that the university president asked Fitzgerald to stop giving him wet willies, Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies.

As of today, Fitzgerald has no plans to respect Schapiro’s wishes. “I just signed a ten-year contract extension, so that dweeb better get used to this. We have a zero-tolerance policy for dorks on campus,” he told a Big Ten Network anchor, who laughed and high-fived him.

Schapiro was not available for a comment during press time, as Fitzgerald, offensive coordinator Mick McCall, and athletic director Jim Phillips had stuffed him into a SPAC locker earlier this morning.