In an effort to increase their appeal, Northwestern’s least popular fraternity, Quad Delta, has implemented a new honor system in which new pledges are responsible for hazing themselves.

The job of locking new pledges in a dark cellar and coercing them into drinking copious amounts of drug-laced beverages, once reserved for insecure upperclassmen, has now fallen upon the freshmen themselves.

“We trust that you guys are responsible enough to spank yourselves with a paddle, so we’re not gonna check for bruises,” said fraternity president Jason Clover to the new recruits. “And the cattle prod in the basement is optional but recommended.”

When asked for his opinion on the new hazing policy, President Morton Schapiro was strongly supportive. “I like the honor system,” he said. “Whenever we hire a new dean, we make them haze themselves—especially that new dean who came here from Yale. We go extra hard on those Ivy League know-it-alls.”

Inspired by the success of the honor system, the campus police have instituted a new policy where students shut down their own parties if they serve alcohol.