Rush week is in full swing, and Tappa Tappa Keg pledge Trevor Miller was ecstatic–before he found out that there would be no girls pledging Tappa.

“I feel totally played, man,” said Miller. “The brothers promised me Tappa was the frat for total babes.” But after arriving at the house for pledge day, Miller was shocked to discover that only his pledge brothers had shown up. “At first, I thought all the girls must have gotten sick, and I was bummed. Then, I thought they’d been drugged. That’s when they told me girls weren’t allowed to rush TTK.”

“What did he think the word ‘fraternity’ meant?” asked fellow pledge Jason Kaufman, SoC ’21. “Of course only guys pledge Tappa. I can’t wait to slurp jello shots off my pledge brothers’ chests in a completely heterosexual hazing ritual.”

Miller, his hopes dashed, headed back to South Campus, where he unsuccessfully attempted to pledge to every sorority he could find, even as they insisted he learn what the prefix sor- meant. “I guess Greek life just isn’t for me after all,” he said, saying his Plan B was to tell every girl he knows that he’s “a feminist.”

In unrelated news, confused freshman Alice Collins showed up to the Tappa house a few hours after Miller left. “I was so excited to pledge Tappa, but when I got to the house, the brothers just told me to take a lap.”