Impressing friends and relatives with his forward thinking and work ethic, local go-getter Hector Cummings set out to get ahead and break all his New Year’s Resolutions as soon as possible. “I know many friends who struggle throughout the whole year to give up on their goals and aspirations. I figured by setting an example, I could show that anyone can be a miserable failure with a little extra effort,” said Cummings, vegging out on a couch, head resting on a stack of greasy, uncomfortably-warm pizza boxes. Cummings was seen shortly thereafter rifling through the stack of mail spilling from his front door’s mailbox, and immediately shredding all free gym passes, a determined, sickly glow about him.

As a result of his proactive approach towards general inactivity, many of the gifts from concerned relatives have gone largely unused or abused. The exception is the Fitbit from his aunt—which has spent the past 12 days revolving around the ceiling fan accumulating daily steps—that Cummings used to minimize the steps to the fridge and back to his bed. “It’s 13 steps, but only if I wear my special socks that let me slide the extra distance. It’s really my commitment to details that have allowed me to do so much of nothing in so little time.”

Family members have been dazzled by Cummings’ ability to relentlessly ignore self-improvement. Lying supine on an empty futon, Cummings told reporters: “I was supposed to go on a vegan diet, you know, cut out the calories and such. But once I saw that Extra-Large Meat Lover’s pizza on the take-out menu, I was inspired by a burst of disinterest in my future. And the promise of bacon.”

Of course, it hasn’t all been an easy road to disappointment for Cummings the whole way. Financial and physical pressures plagued him the whole way. “I usually only order cheese, cause money’s a bit tight these days, explained Cummings between mouthfuls of sausage-laden slices, “but once I gave up on my resolution to be more financially responsible, suddenly the cash flow opened right up.”