By Maria Regueiro

Late last Friday, a terrified first-year student reported to the second floor RA in Bobb that the large wad of hair clogging the women’s bathroom drain had begun to move on its own. Jamie Wellert, WCAS ‘21, who found the animated hair wad stated, “I know that our bathrooms are pretty freaking disgusting, but I didn’t think that they were a cesspool capable of creating life.”

When a Bobb RA went to investigate the claim she found that there was no hair at all in the drain, which was enough to make her suspicious. She stated, “There’s always been hair in the drain. Long hair, short hair, pubic hair, animal hair— that drain has it all. So when I saw that the shower was clean, I immediately knew something was wrong.”

Later that night, students began to report sightings of a “giant, writhing, spider-like creature” near the Bobb recreation room. The RA’s ignored the reports until the next evening when a student on the third floor was found screaming in his room, choking on a chunk of blonde hair. Red hair was scattered on his missing roommate’s bed, spelling out the phrase “I may be made of keratin and dead skin cells, but I am ALIVE.”

Horrified students have been told to stay in their rooms and lock their doors. No student has been allowed to shower as the administration is wary of loose hairs feeding the beast.