Taking a break from her research on music and sexuality in Renaissance Europe, Bienen Musicology professor Linda Austern decided to step briefly into the modern day, releasing her comprehensive review of the best tracks from Kidz Bop 33 to make love to.

The article lists Austern’s five favorite tracks from the Kidz Bop record, with a short evaluation of each track along with an exhaustive and graphic explanation of how each song can be used in the bedroom.

Of the opening track, a rendition of Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop the Feeling,” Austern points out that “even in the title, the track evokes the sensation of joyous, pent-up sexual tension that makes you want to jump out of your bathtub into your partner’s like those middle-aged folks in the Cialis commercials.” Austern notes that this track specifically is good for older adults, writing, “the kids’ voices get so high and shrill, it’ll make it feel like your own kids are in the room with you!”

Austern attributed her motivation to publish this article to an “uncontrollable urge.” “Summer was in full swing, and I hit a wall in my research. I needed a break so I felt it necessary to share with the world a piece of art that moved me both musically and physically.”

When pressed on the academic merits of the article, Bienen Dean Toni-Marie Montgomery issued a statement saying, “The administration of the Bienen School of Music trusts its tenured faculty, and affirms their right to publish whatever work they see relevant in their field, regardless of whether we endorse, condemn, or keep their work by my bedside table…”