So I was dozing off in my Intro to Painting class this morning, like I do, when this kid Bentley Thomas just set me off. I mean I’m sitting there, halfway to la la land, and this brownnoser Jacob Rosales, bless his heart, decides it’s time to go up to our teacher Cathy and ask “Professor Kuzel, am I holding this right?” Fucking Bentley has no chill, zero chill, possibly even negative chill, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. But anyway, he leans over to me and whispers “That’s what she said.”

See the issue? Ight bitch, listen up, I’ll explain it to you. “That’s what she said,” in case you didn’t know, is a one-liner that absolutely exposes the shit out of any accidental sexual double entendre, including Jacob’s. Yeah, double entendre, I know, I speak Frog, but that’s another story.

Look, it’s not the one-liner that rubs me dirty. I’m all for overly versatile, cliched jokes. Nothing wrong with reusing it if it works. Recycling is great. What makes me itch is the gender pronoun. I’ve tried to understand why people like Bentley always use “she,” but I just can’t, it’s too hard. Ha, that’s what they* said!

Why does it always have to be a “she” doing the ribald saying? The way to objectify everyone and not just women when making naughty jokes is to use neutral pronouns like they, them, and their. They’re easy to use, and they get the job done!

I’ll even lay out some examples for you: Catch a male waitress or a female fireman bending over to pick up a fallen napkin or child in a burning house? That’s what they said! Hear your spouse tell Susan, your handyman, that she’s good with her hands? That’s what they said! Your mailman Megan deliver you a package from Dick’s? That’s what they said!

That’s what she said? Sexist appropriation like that’s the kind of trash that makes me lose my faith in mankind. So next time you and Bentley talk about the size of your maternal forefathers’ grandfather clocks and the manpower it takes your girl Leah to mow her lawn, remember: That’s what they said.

*They, not she, you cracker, God, could you be any less PC?